105th Annual Installation of Officers
Bremerton Lodge #117
F. & A. M. of Washington
Friday, December 8th, 2006
6:30 Dinner
7:30 Installation
Bremerton Masonic Temple
858 5th St. (5th and Warren), Bremerton
He Turns Boys Into Men
Young faces usually filled with warmth and wonder are now taut with anticipation and purpose. Eyes are lasers. Hearts are pounding. This is nothing unusual for the final minutes before a high school football game. But a coach and his players are about to share an exchange that is downright foreign to the tough- guy culture of football.
The coach, Joe Ehrmann, is a former NFL star, now 55 and limping from old injuries, with white hair and gold-rimmed glasses. Still, he is a mountain of a man. Standing before the Greyhounds of Gilman School in Baltimore, Ehrmann does not need a whistle.
"What is our job as coaches?" Ehrmann asks.
"To love us!" the Gilman boys yell back in unison.
"What is your job?" Ehrmann shouts back.
"To love each other!" the boys respond.
This is football?
It is with Ehrmann. It is when the whole purpose of being here is to totally redefine what it means to be a man.
"Masculinity ought to be defined in terms of relationships, and taught in terms of the capacity to love and be loved."
Aside from the X's and O's of football, everything Ehrmann teaches at Gilman stems from his belief that our society does a horrible job of teaching boys how to be men and that virtually every problem we face can somehow be traced back to this failure.
The first step is to tear down what Ehrmann says are the standard criteria-athletic ability, sexual conquest and economic success - things that are constantly held up in our culture as measurements of manhood. "Those are the three lies that make up what I call 'false masculinity,'" Ehrmann says. "The problem is that it sets men up for tremendous failures in our lives; they give us this concept that what we need to do as men is compare what we have with what other men have, and then we think we must compete with them for it.
"As a young boy, I'm going to compare my athletic ability to yours and compete for whatever attention that brings. When I get older, I'm going to compare my girlfriend to yours and compete for whatever status I can acquire by being with the prettiest girl I can get. Ultimately, as adults, we compare bank accounts and job titles, houses and cars, and we compete for the amount of security and power that those represent. "We compare, we compete. That's all we ever do. It leaves most men feeling isolated and alone. And it destroys any concept of community."
Strategic Masculinity:
Ehrmann offers a simple but powerful solution. He calls it "strategic masculinity"- it is based on only two things: relationships and having a cause beyond yourself.
"Masculinity, first and foremost, ought to be defined in terms of relationships," Ehrmann says. "It ought to be taught in terms of the capacity to love and to be loved. It comes down to this: What kind of father are you? What kind of husband are you? What kind of coach or teammate are you? What kind of son are you? What kind of friend are you? Success comes in terms of relationships.
"And then all of us ought to have some kind of cause, some kind of purpose in our lives that's bigger than our own individual hopes, dreams, wants and desires. At the end of our life, we ought to be able to look back over it from our deathbed and know that somehow the world is a better place because we lived, we loved, and we were other-centered, other- focused."
They stress that Gilman football is all about living in a community. It is about fostering relationships. It is about learning the importance of serving others. While coaches elsewhere scream endlessly about being tough, Ehrmann teaches concepts such as empathy, inclusion and integrity. He emphasizes a different code of conduct for manhood: accepting responsibility, leading courageously, enacting justice on behalf of others. He tells his players that he expects greatness out of them. But the only way they will measure greatness is by the impact the boys make on other people's lives.
Ultimately, the boys are told, they will make the greatest impact on the world-will bring the most love and grace and healing to people - by constantly basing their actions and thoughts on one simple question: What can I do for you?
Coaches must always teach by building up instead of tearing down. As Ehrmann puts it in a staff notebook: "Let us be mindful never to shame a boy but to correct him in an uplifting and loving way."
And people say to him, "All this touchy-feely stuff sounds great, but kids still want to win, right?" "Well, we've had pretty good success," Ehrmann says. "But winning is only a byproduct of everything else we do - and it's certainly not the way we evaluate ourselves." Ehrmann doesn't mention that Gilman finished three of the last six seasons undefeated and No. 1 in Baltimore. In 2002, the Greyhounds ranked No. 1 in all of Maryland and climbed to No. 14 in the national rankings.
Much more important to Ehrmann is the way that his team ends each season when nobody else is watching. Before the last game, each senior stands before his teammates and coaches to read an essay they'd written entitled "How I Want To Be Remembered When I Die."
Here is something linebacker David Caperna - reading from his own "obituary" - said last year: He said, "David was a man who fought for justice and accepted the consequences of his actions. He was not a man who would allow poverty, abuse, racism or any sort of oppression to take place in his presence. David carried with him the knowledge and pride of being a man built for others."
The most important coach in America sat back and smiled. Win or lose on the field of play, Joe Ehrmann had already scored the kind of victory that would last a lifetime.
To Be A Better Man:
Recognize the "three lies of false masculinity." Athletic ability, sexual conquest and economic success are not the best measurements of manhood.
Allow yourself to love and be loved.
Build and value relationships.
Accept responsibility, lead courageously and enact justice on behalf of others. Practice the concepts of empathy, inclusion and integrity.
Learn the importance of serving others. Base your thoughts and actions on "What can I do for you?"
Develop a cause beyond yourself. Try to leave the world a better place because you were here.
By Jeffrey Marx
Published: August 29, 2004
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